by Karl Hofer.
There comes a time in a man’s life when shopping for clothes suddenly becomes quite a stressful experience.
Perhaps it hasn’t hit you yet, but if you’re in your 30’s it is only a matter of time before it does. And when it does it can be quite a shock…
Not sure what I’m talking about? OK, has the following ever happened to you;
You’ve walked into your favourite shop to pick up some new jeans or a shirt perhaps and immediately your first thought is: “Why is it so loud in here..?”
Then you notice the cut-down denim shorts and outlandish tops on display; an uncomfortable feeling takes hold of you, a quick glance around and you realise you’re the oldest person in the shop. By at least 20 years.
Things then plummet to undiscovered depths as before you can make your exit the friendly shop assistant asks you if you’re “looking for something for your son..?”
If anything like that has happened to you then its time to reevaluate the contents of your wardrobe, you are now officially old.
Don’t panic! BOBBY is here to help you make the necessary modifications, effortlessly and with grace, saving you from potential style suicide.
First things first; what NOT to wear.
When you make the transition from your 20s into your 30s and beyond, it’s important your wardrobe evolves with you. There are some things that you may have been able to pull off at a party that you’ll look ridiculous trying to pull off now. It’s just part of getting old – a fact of life – and you need to deal with it.
So in an effort to help you not look like you’re desperately clinging on to your youth with every sinew of your being, take careful note of the following five items that no man should ever wear after they reach 35.
While wearing shorts long past the end of Summer may have been something that made you look cool when you were in your early twenties, it doesn’t make you look tough or “laid back” after you’ve hit your thirties. The truth is at your age you’re probably risking extreme hypothermia or other cold weather related illnesses.
Whenever I see a grown man wearing shorts in the freezing cold I immediately think one of two things; either this guy has been kicked out by his wife and he’s reduced to wearing the clothes he walked out in, including his crappy old Navy cargo shorts – or- here is someone still clinging onto University life as a so called ‘mature student’ who should clearly know better at his age.
Now, neither of those things may be true, but you probably don’t want people making similar assumptions about you. In short (pardon the pun), if other people are wearing hats, gloves and scarves, you should at least be wearing long trousers.
You know the shirts I’m talking about; ones emblazoned with witty efforts such as “Save Water: Drink Beer!” or “FBI: Female Body Inspector”. There’s just no place for this nonsense anymore, we’ve all grown up and you should too.
OK, I appreciate sometimes these are gifts from relatives and such like, but that doesn’t mean you have to wear them, does it…?
Invariably these T-shirts are sold from stalls in the middle of busy shopping centres or online as most ‘shops’ wont stock them. There’s a reason for that.
Maybe (that’s just ‘maybe’) a student can pull off wearing a T-shirt that reads “Blink if you want me” or “I fuck on the first date” – but a man who’s starting to go gray…?!? Dear God, no…
Adults can wear trainers with colours on them, that’s fine. But not too wild unless you work as a kids entertainer. The rule of thumb here is ‘less is more’.
Remember; nothing looks more tragic than Timmy Mallett inspired clothing, and Timmy is all the proof you need that there’s something about a 40-year-old guy wearing a pair of electric yellow trainers with neon green laces that doesn’t quite look right.
A slight on the world of fashion, this abomination has been here for too long now – I’m talking jeans which fall way below a man’s waist.
Unless you’re currently signed to Def Jam Records, pull your effing pants up!
Young people are often blissfully unaware of the fact that they look like morons (not that that’s any excuse for it). But with age comes wisdom – and having reached maturity you should know better.
The image of a 30-something year-old with sagged jeans on is one that scars the imagination. The trick here is to invest in a pair of jeans that actually fit properly. Surprisingly, you’ll find yourself looking younger and less like a total muppet.
1. Crocs –
This is perhaps the biggest sin of all. Let’s be clear here; they are convenient and easy to wash for a reason – unless you’re prepubescent, elderly or mentally deranged, you have zero excuse for wearing Crocs.
If you see a man wearing Crocs, you have BOBBY’S permission to take them off his feet and beat him to death with them.
They are shoes for children, no right-minded adult should purchase coloured blocky footwear. For a grown man to wear Crocs on his feet is tantamount to telling people you’re allergic to sex.
Of course if you find that you are still able to make friends despite wearing Crocs you could always take it to the lowest level possible and add socks to the equation, like the ever popular former President pictured here has…
Coming Soon: What Men Over 35 Should be Wearing…